OFFICE/BOSS  JOKES


The ladders should be returned to the janitors office as soon as possible or further steps will be taken.


In response to the graffiti in the staff toilet can I just pint out that I’ve only got a 34 inch waist and I do know who my father is.


In future any one caught drinking decaf coffee will receive a written warning for laziness.


Following a complaint about the amount of sexist jokes being told in the office in future can staff  make an effort to only tell these jokes in the toilets.


Misuse of photocopiers. If staff do feel the need to make photocopies of various parts of their body can you refrain from using the enlarge button.


IN FUTURE STAFF ARE FREE TO IGNORE ANY MEMO THAT IS WRITTEN ENTIRELY IN BLOCK CAPITALS


Would any member of staff planning to sneak off for a game of golf in the afternoon not make it less obvious  by waiting until you get to the course before changing.


Birthday parties  are not to be celebrated in office hours unless I’m invited. 

Drinking during alcohol during office hours is strictly prohibited unless you are sat in the pub.


Wet Paint – the sign in the men’s toilet is a warning and not an order.


Even though I currently do not have a car do to a misunderstanding with the finance company no one is allowed to use my parking space under any circumstances.


After complaints about horrible smells in the office canteen I have decide to ban vegetarians from eating in there.

Do to lack of interest I have been forced to cancel the annual charity karaoke   competition which is a real shame given that I’ve won it for the last 3 years.

 When I don’t do something it is because I’m busy. When you don’t do something it’s because you are lazy.


If any body has got a problem remember my door is always open so help yourself to a coffee and a biscuit.

There is no need to hold a collection for my birthday present this year I’ll just get the money from petty cash.

 Would all the people moaning about not having enough time to do their work spend less time moaning and more time working.


The beatings will continue until morale is improved..


E-mail is not to be used to pass on information or data. It should only be used for company business.

 Doing it right is no excuse for missing a deadline.

 Could staff try and sound a bit more poorly when they ring in sick.

 The trouble with doing something right the first time is that nobody appreciates how difficult it was.

 Documents will demonstrate their importance by moving from where you put them to where you can’t find them.


The average person falls asleep in 7 minutes or less if the boss is not in the office.

Don’t suffer from insanity enjoy every minute of it.

 

Work is for people who aren’t very good at golf

 Hard work has a future pay off, laziness pays now.

 Sorry I was late for work boss, but I had to help Uncle Jack off the horse.

 Why will computers never replace newspapers?

You can’t wrap your fish and chips up in a newspaper.

Therapy is expensive, popping bubble wrap is cheap! You choose.

Don’t become irreplaceable – If you can’t be replaced you can’t be promoted.

What’s the difference between a man and a computer? The longer you keep a computer the more it goes down on you.


What do you get if you cross a nun with a PC? A computer that will never go down on you.


How do you stop your boss from reading your emails? Rename your mail folder ‘instruction manual.’

 What you don’t do is always more important than what you do do.

When in doubt don’t admit it.

I like to share ideas and opinions with anybody. But if anybody steals my coffee they are dead.


I never said it was your fault. I just said I was going to blame it on you.

The beatings will continue until morale improves.


Team work is about doing exactly what the boss tells you to do without complaining.

Pissing in the swimming pool is one thing but pissing in the typing pool is a completely different matter.

How does every racist joke start?  With a look over your shoulder.

How does every sexist joke start?  With a look over your shoulder.

How does every homophobic joke start?  With a look over your shoulder.

Congratulation on your promotion it’s good to see talent triumph over good looks occasionally.

Congratulations on your promotions it’s very reassuring to know that you don’t need good looks and talent to get on in the world.


Congratulations on your promotion I’m sure the boss wasn’t influenced by your short shirt and low cut top.

 This company is an equal opportunities employee provided that you are young and attractive with big tits.


GOOD BAD AND UGLY

Good News – you’ve still got plenty of hair.

Bad News-  It’s all grey.

Ugly News -None of it’s on your head.

 

 

Good News – You’re son studies a lot in his room.

Bad News – You find lots of dirty magazines in there.

Ugly News – You appear in most of them.

 

Good News – You don’t look you age.

Bad News - You look older

Ugly News – A lot older.

 

Good News – Your partner takes a keen interest in your wardrobe

Bad News - He’s started wearing your clothes.

Ugly News - They look better on him.


Good News – You start to tell your daughter about the birds and the bees.

Bad News – She keeps correcting you.

Ugly News - With corrections.


TRULY FALSE


A McDonalds quarter pounder has the same DNA as Elvis Presley.

There is no word in Urdu for diarrhoea.


All cats are deaf in the left ear.


68.5% of facts are entirely made up.

 

George Bush was seriously considering making John Travolta the new American ambassador to Greece.

 

No two oranges are exactly identical.


When Leonardo Di Vinci painted the Mona Lisa he used his own urine to clean his brushes.


Elephants with big feet are more likely to kick the bucket than elephants with small feet.

 

Cats say Meow because originate from China.


Poison Ivy will not poison you.

 

Beer travels through your system faster than blood.

 

The first sheep to be discovered in Australia had actually swum there from England.

 

Vampires are colour blind so when they drink blood they actually think it is snot.


It would take 40 electric eels to provide enough power to make a TV work.


In the middle ages left handed people were burned at the stake for being witches.


In certain parts of the world it is considered a sign of bad luck if a tree falls on top of you.

 

In LA it is illegal for a woman who is bigger than a size 12 to wear a bikini.

 

Spitting  on the queen’s face even on a coin is considered treason.

 

If you put a stamp upside down on an envelope you can be charged with treason.


Wire wool is produced by force feeding iron pills to sheep.

 

Pigs are forced to exercise for 4 hours a day so that they will produce streaky bacon.